This essay is an improvement, as you are developing a more formal style and starting to focus more on the demands of the question. Your insights continue to be excellent.
Some previous criticisms still stand, however.
1) You are often too informal in your style, and this undermines the strength of your analysis. For example, when you write “Sadly, this does not last!”, the expression of emotion, the use of the exclamation mark and the sentiment that these things convey suggest at best a melodramatic response, or at worst a humorous irony. Since you’re talking about the degeneration of the King of Scotland, and how this is tracked through the play through Shakespeare’s use of violent and profound figurative language and imagery, a more analytical tone would be more appropriate. When you re-tell events in the way you have, you undermine the gravity of the work. The thing to remember is that you’re analysing his authorial craft. It’s a sober process that demands a sober tone.
2) Your introduction makes no mention of the language effects that you then go on to offer as the key analytical content. Give more in the introduction – tell us what the playwright is doing and how he’s doing it.
3) Omit the first person elements today, I will. These are appropriate for one to one transactional pieces, but in an essay they further undermine your credibility. Don’t narrate what you’re going to do, simply do it. If you want to get a fix on the language style appropriate for essay writing, check out the small sample I published for you on the Examination Practice page on the class website.
Do speak to me if you need me to expand on any of this advice.
Dylan,
This essay is an improvement, as you are developing a more formal style and starting to focus more on the demands of the question. Your insights continue to be excellent.
Some previous criticisms still stand, however.
1) You are often too informal in your style, and this undermines the strength of your analysis. For example, when you write “Sadly, this does not last!”, the expression of emotion, the use of the exclamation mark and the sentiment that these things convey suggest at best a melodramatic response, or at worst a humorous irony. Since you’re talking about the degeneration of the King of Scotland, and how this is tracked through the play through Shakespeare’s use of violent and profound figurative language and imagery, a more analytical tone would be more appropriate. When you re-tell events in the way you have, you undermine the gravity of the work. The thing to remember is that you’re analysing his authorial craft. It’s a sober process that demands a sober tone.
2) Your introduction makes no mention of the language effects that you then go on to offer as the key analytical content. Give more in the introduction – tell us what the playwright is doing and how he’s doing it.
3) Omit the first person elements today, I will. These are appropriate for one to one transactional pieces, but in an essay they further undermine your credibility. Don’t narrate what you’re going to do, simply do it. If you want to get a fix on the language style appropriate for essay writing, check out the small sample I published for you on the Examination Practice page on the class website.
Do speak to me if you need me to expand on any of this advice.
CW